As I write today, I am enjoying a much needed break at home. My first semester of graduate school wrapped up on Wednesday, the class that I taught at the local community college wrapped up on Wednesday, and I wasn't scheduled to substitute yesterday or today. As much as we need the money right now, the Lord knew that I needed time at home even more! Morgan has been sick, as have I, and it was nice to be home and just be able to be there for her. I have still managed to catch up on a few things like laundry and cleaning the bathroom, and I am almost done with my to-do list for today. Morgan is feeling much better and returned to school today, and I am thinking that I have just about conquered my cold. Outside of my window the sun is shining and a gentle breeze is blowing. There will be no complaints from me today!
This year marks a year filled with change for me and my family. My oldest daughter will graduate from high school in a few weeks, and my niece will be getting married in November of this year. I'm so proud and so excited for both of them! Where has the time gone?
And me, back in school after all of these years! Praying that there will be a job for me when I finish and knowing that God has a plan no matter what mine is.
As excited as I am during this time, I am also very reflective. I look back on the years and wonder if I have done enough for my daughter. Have I set a good example? Have I loved her enough? Have I taught her all of the things that she needs to know before heading out into the world as an adult? Did I yell too much? Have I shown her compassion and forgiveness? Have I shown her courage and strength? The list goes on and on, and my first response is that I need more time! The problem is that she doesn't need more time. She reminds me daily that she is an adult, and she has stepped on my heart more in the past year than she ever stepped on my toes when she was learning to walk. I guess that is my answer. When she was learning to walk I had to be willing to let go and let her fall if I truly wanted her to succeed. Now, she has got to learn to be an adult, and I have to be willing to let her go and let her fall if I want her to succeed.
We have talked a lot about modeling behavior and skills for our students in my education classes this semester. It turns out that students really do learn from watching us do things rather than telling them what to do. As parents we have to do the same thing. I can't possibly tell my daughter everything that she needs to know, to do, or not do. I have to hope that I have lived my life and will continue to live my life in such a way that I model being a loving, responsible adult for her. Have I made mistakes? You bet I have! Have I owned up to them and learned from them? Yes, that was one of the hardest lessons that I ever learned. I am still learning everyday, so it is unwise for me to expect my child to know it all at the young age of 17. Instead, I just need to pray that God will guide her and protect her and that He will help me to always show her unconditional love and a safe place to fall when it happens. After all, isn't that what He does for us? A couple of years ago my daughter came home from school excited about something called wordle. You put in words and the program spits out a word cloud that looks like art. She gave me one and told me it was for me. Tears came to my eyes as I read the words proud, funny, helpful, brave, generous, dazzling, delightful, courageous, go getter, cheerful, determined, encouraging, follower of God....all surrounding the largest word on the paper, kim. All of the things that I hope to be but most days feel like I am not were right there in print and were words that my daughter thought of when she thought of me! This is now in a sheet protector and in my notebook everywhere I go! There are days when I feel like I am doing everything wrong. There are days when I am sure she hates me! There are days when I ask aloud, "Where did my daughter go and who are you that has taken up residence in her body?" Those are the days when I feel like I have failed her. That is why I keep that wordle! It is a reminder that despite all of my mistakes and the hateful words that come out of both of our mouths at times, she sees something in me that even I don't and loves me regardless. I must have done something right.
Yes, the winds of change are blowing. I am learning to turn my sails and enjoy the breeze instead of fighting them, but I am also not going to hurry them along. Last night my husband told my youngest daughter, now 10, that she was going to have to do something about all of her doll houses and stuff on the floor behind the couch. I couldn't believe my ears as I told him that the mess could stay. I know now, without a doubt, that the winds of change will take care of that mess for me soon enough.
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