I haven't wanted to write in over a year. I just haven't had much to say. Suddenly, tonight, I decided that I had something, although I wasn't quite sure what, to say, so I sat down at the computer with some things on my mind. My intentions were to write about all of the changes that I've been through over the course of the past 8 years and maybe a word or two about what I think of women's rights, but after reading my post from last year, I have had a change of heart.
My last post was written last October, just over a month after I lost Daddy. It wasn't long. It was my confession that I really didn't know what to do without him, and I certainly didn't know how I was going to deal with the inexplicable pain of watching him fight with all his might and still die a painful death. For the past year and four months, I have done what I said I was going to do. I have gone about the daily tasks of living, and I have waited on peace. Please don't think that I have been wallowing in misery every day; I have not. I have had moments of joy and happiness, but I realized tonight for the first time that I have yet to have that peace that I've been waiting on.
Tears began to flow as I read that blog because the thought crossed my mind that I may never truly experience peace like I once knew this side of Heaven. After all, I've been waiting for over a year, and it hasn't come. I have talked to my pastor. I have prayed. I have cried out to God. I have carried the burden that my prayers weren't earnest enough, or God would have healed him this side of Heaven. I have even thought that maybe, and I know this is crazy, God took Daddy from me because I loved him too much. Through tears that are even now still coming, I am beginning to realize that God doesn't want me to wait on that peace any more.
You see, I have been in a desert for over a year. The funny thing is that I haven't even been thirsty. I mean, I have been reading posts from a few years ago on my Facebook time hop and honestly wonder how in the world those words of faith and hope came from me because I certainly don't have "it" in me lately. Still, while I wondered, I wasn't thirsting. For a few months now, God has been calling me to drink again from His fountain, but I have not been responding to His calls. I can't really explain why. Maybe a part of me felt that if my prayers couldn't save Daddy that I wasn't worthy. Maybe I just haven't been ready to let go of my grief. I don't know. What I realized tonight is that I have never been more thirsty in my life. I don't want to be in the desert any more. I don't want to just live. I want to live in the fullness of Christ. I want to walk with Him and talk with Him, and I need Him to help me be all that He wants me to be in Him. I need to pray with the faith that moves mountains again and know with all my heart that God hears my prayers. I need to get out of this God forsaken desert and get back to the promised land.
I know that I will never stop missing Daddy this side of Heaven, but I need to be able to let go of this pain. I need to somehow focus on his laughter and his love and let go of how he suffered in those last 2 months. I can't let those miserable 2 months deprive me of a lifetime of love and joy! I know that I will never be able to do it without Jesus, and I feel Him telling me that it's time to stop waiting on peace and start seeking it. I need to be in His word. I need to surround myself with people who are filled with His love and are passionate about sharing it. Ironically, I'm going to have to make some changes, and my angst with all the changes in my life is what I set out to write about tonight. Please pray for me. Pray that I will be open to following God wherever He leads me, and pray that my thirst will be quenched by that very same water that Jesus offered a lonely woman at the well so long ago.